Green technology is often hailed as the saviour of our planet. From solar panels and electric cars to carbon capture and smart grids, we’re told that innovation will lead us to a cleaner, greener future. While there’s no doubt that technology plays a vital role in addressing climate change, the reality of green tech is often far messier than the marketing suggests.

Let’s unpack some of the most common myths, misconceptions, and outright bollocks surrounding the green tech revolution in episode seventeen of my satirical comedic polemic series.

“Electric Cars Will Save the Planet”

Electric vehicles (EVs) are frequently positioned as the ultimate solution to reducing emissions and combating climate change. While EVs do have a smaller carbon footprint than traditional petrol or diesel cars, they’re not as “green” as they’re made out to be.

Manufacturing an EV, particularly its battery, is an energy-intensive process that generates significant emissions. Mining for materials like lithium, cobalt, and nickel often involves destructive environmental practices and exploitative labour conditions. And while driving an EV produces no tailpipe emissions, the electricity used to charge it is often generated from fossil fuels, depending on the grid.

The idea that EVs alone will save the planet is oversimplified bollocks. They’re a step in the right direction, but not the silver bullet they’re marketed as.

“Carbon Offsets Make You Carbon Neutral”

Carbon offsets are a popular tool for individuals and companies looking to reduce their carbon footprint. The premise is simple: pay to fund projects like tree planting or renewable energy that offset the emissions you produce. But the reality is far more complex.

Many offset programs overpromise and underdeliver. Trees take decades to absorb the carbon they’re credited for, and there’s no guarantee they won’t be cut down or destroyed. Some renewable energy projects funded by offsets would have happened anyway, making the offset redundant. Worse, offsets can create a moral hazard, allowing polluters to continue harmful practices under the guise of being “neutral.”

The claim that carbon offsets make you environmentally responsible? More greenwashing bollocks than actual impact.

“100% Renewable Energy”

Many companies proudly proclaim they’re powered by 100% renewable energy, but the truth is often more complicated. What they usually mean is that they purchase renewable energy credits (RECs) to offset their use of non-renewable power. In reality, their operations may still rely on coal or natural gas, with the credits acting as a kind of greenwashing loophole.

This practice doesn’t directly reduce fossil fuel use or expand renewable capacity—it’s just an accounting trick. The narrative that companies are truly running on 100% renewable energy is bollocks unless they’re generating and consuming all their own green power.

The Myth of Sustainable Smart Devices

Tech companies love to market their gadgets as eco-friendly, touting recyclable materials and energy-efficient designs. But the lifecycle of a smart device—from mining rare earth metals to manufacturing, shipping, and eventual disposal—is anything but sustainable.

Most devices are designed with planned obsolescence in mind, meaning they’ll need replacing within a few years. Recycling rates for electronics remain abysmally low, and much of the e-waste generated ends up in landfills or shipped to developing countries for unsafe processing.

The idea that buying the latest “green” smartphone or smart home device is a sustainable choice? Absolute bollocks. The greenest device is the one you already own.

“Carbon Capture Will Save Us”

Carbon capture and storage (CCS) technology is often promoted as a game-changer in the fight against climate change, capable of removing CO2 from industrial processes and even the atmosphere. While CCS has potential, its deployment is far from straightforward.

CCS is expensive, energy-intensive, and not yet scalable to the levels needed to make a meaningful impact. Many projects have failed to deliver on their promises, and some critics argue that CCS is used as a smokescreen by fossil fuel companies to justify continued emissions rather than transitioning to cleaner energy.

The idea that CCS will “save us” is more bollocks than breakthrough. It’s one tool in the toolbox, not a get-out-of-jail-free card.

The Electric Grid of the Future: A Marketing Fantasy

Smart grids, decentralised energy, and advanced storage solutions are often hyped as the backbone of a green energy future. But building and maintaining a truly sustainable electric grid is a monumental task, fraught with logistical and technological challenges.

Smart grids rely on digital infrastructure that is vulnerable to cyberattacks and technical failures. Large-scale battery storage systems needed to stabilise renewable energy are still expensive and resource-intensive to produce. And decentralised energy, while promising, requires massive investment in infrastructure and consumer adoption.

The dream of a perfect, green electric grid? It’s a long-term goal, not the near-term reality the marketing would have you believe. More green tech bollocks.

“Hydrogen is the Fuel of the Future”

Hydrogen is frequently touted as a clean alternative to fossil fuels, with applications ranging from powering vehicles to heating homes. But not all hydrogen is created equal. The majority of hydrogen produced today comes from natural gas, a process that generates significant CO2 emissions. Truly green hydrogen—produced using renewable energy—is still prohibitively expensive and inefficient.

The infrastructure needed to store and transport hydrogen safely is another major hurdle. For now, hydrogen is more potential than practical, despite the breathless claims of its imminent dominance. The idea that hydrogen is a ready-to-go solution? Bollocks.

The Circular Economy Mirage

The concept of a circular economy, where resources are endlessly reused and nothing goes to waste, is often held up as the ultimate sustainability goal. But while it’s a noble vision, achieving it at scale is incredibly difficult.

Many materials degrade with reuse, meaning they can’t be recycled indefinitely. Complex products like electronics are particularly challenging, as they contain multiple components that are hard to separate and recycle efficiently. And let’s not forget the economic barriers—recycling and reusing materials is often more expensive than producing new ones.

The narrative that we’re on the brink of a perfectly circular economy? More idealistic bollocks than achievable reality.

Greenwashing: The Biggest Bollocks of All

At the heart of green tech bollocks is greenwashing—the practice of making something appear more environmentally friendly than it actually is. From vague “sustainable” claims on packaging to misleading carbon-neutral certifications, greenwashing is rampant in industries eager to cash in on eco-conscious consumers.

These marketing tactics often distract from the real work needed to create a sustainable future. Instead of addressing systemic issues, greenwashing lets companies slap a green label on their products and call it a day.

Conclusion: Green Tech Needs Fewer Promises, More Action

Green technology has enormous potential to help combat climate change and create a more sustainable world. But it’s also rife with overhyped claims, misleading marketing, and half-baked solutions. From electric cars and carbon capture to smart devices and hydrogen fuel, much of what’s presented as the “green revolution” is more bollocks than breakthrough.

The path to a truly sustainable future requires honesty, transparency, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths. Let’s cut through the green tech bollocks and focus on real, meaningful change—because the planet deserves better than marketing spin.