Cryptocurrencies have been touted as the future of finance, a tool for freedom, and a revolution in how we exchange value. Bitcoin, Ethereum, and thousands of altcoins promise decentralisation, wealth, and the collapse of traditional banking systems. Yet there’s an equal or greater amount of nonsense, speculation, and outright scams for every genuine innovation in the crypto space.

Let’s break down some of the biggest crypto myths and bollocks floating around, in the eleventh article from my satirical comedic polemic series, as we separate the blockchain brilliance from the hype and fraud.

Bitcoin Will Replace Fiat Currency? Unlikely

One of the most persistent bits of crypto bollocks is the idea that Bitcoin, or some other cryptocurrency, will eventually replace fiat currency like the US dollar or the euro. The argument goes that crypto’s decentralised nature makes it immune to government interference and inflation, making it a superior form of money.

While this sounds great in theory, the reality is much messier. Bitcoin’s volatility alone makes it a poor candidate for replacing fiat currency—one day it’s worth $60,000, the next it’s $30,000. Imagine trying to buy a loaf of bread when the price could double or halve overnight.

Governments and central banks also aren’t going to relinquish control of their monetary systems anytime soon. Fiat currencies exist not just as economic tools but as levers of policy and power. The notion that a decentralised currency will replace this entrenched system is, for now, bollocks.

Crypto Is a Hedge Against Inflation? Sometimes, But Not Always

Bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies are often marketed as a hedge against inflation, a kind of “digital gold” that retains value while fiat currencies lose theirs. But in practice, crypto behaves more like a speculative asset than a stable store of value.

When markets are bullish, crypto prices soar, creating the illusion of stability. But when broader markets take a hit, cryptocurrencies tend to crash just as hard, if not harder. Instead of providing a safe haven during economic downturns, crypto often exacerbates investors’ losses.

The idea that crypto is a reliable inflation hedge is, at best, an oversimplification and, at worst, more crypto bollocks designed to lure in uninformed investors.

Decentralisation: More Buzzword Than Reality

Cryptocurrency advocates love to tout decentralisation as the ultimate virtue. No banks, no governments, no middlemen—just peer-to-peer transactions governed by code. But while decentralisation sounds great on paper, the reality often falls short.

Take Bitcoin mining, for instance. The network may be decentralised in theory, but in practice, the majority of mining power is controlled by a few large pools, giving them significant influence over the system. Similarly, exchanges like Binance, Coinbase, and others dominate crypto trading, effectively reintroducing centralised middlemen to a supposedly decentralised ecosystem.

Many blockchain projects are decentralised in name only, relying on a small group of developers or validators to keep things running. True decentralisation remains elusive, and much of the talk about it is little more than marketing bollocks.

Altcoins: Innovation or Cash Grabs?

For every Bitcoin or Ethereum, there are thousands of altcoins promising to be the “next big thing.” While some altcoins do offer innovative features or solutions to real problems, the vast majority exist purely to capitalise on hype. Pump-and-dump schemes, where the price of a coin is artificially inflated and then rapidly sold off, are rampant in the crypto world.

The sheer number of altcoins—many of which have no clear use case or long-term viability—makes the market feel more like a casino than a financial revolution. And for every investor who strikes it rich, countless others lose their shirts on worthless coins.

The idea that every altcoin is a potential goldmine is just more crypto bollocks. Most of them are little more than speculative gambles.

NFTs and Crypto: Two Hypes, One Gimmick

Non-fungible tokens (NFTs) are closely tied to the crypto space, often using blockchain technology to verify ownership of digital assets. The hype around NFTs has brought them into mainstream awareness, but much of it is speculative nonsense.

The crypto community often touts NFTs as transformative for art, gaming, and digital ownership. But like cryptocurrencies, NFTs are plagued by scams, speculation, and inflated promises. Many NFTs are bought not for their artistic or functional value but for the hope of flipping them for a profit. The result? A market driven by FOMO rather than genuine utility.

The idea that NFTs and crypto are seamlessly revolutionising ownership is more bollocks than reality. For now, they’re largely speculative assets wrapped in buzzwords.

The Myth of Easy Wealth

Perhaps the biggest bit of crypto bollocks is the idea that anyone can get rich with crypto. Social media is full of stories of people who invested a few hundred dollars and became millionaires overnight. While these stories are technically true in rare cases, they’re the exception, not the rule.

For most people, the crypto market is a volatile and unpredictable minefield. Prices can spike and crash without warning, and scams are everywhere. From rug pulls (where developers abandon a project and pocket the funds) to phishing schemes targeting wallets, the risks are enormous.

The narrative of easy wealth is just that—a narrative. The truth is, crypto is risky, speculative, and not a guaranteed path to financial freedom. Believing otherwise is falling for the bollocks.

Blockchain Technology Is Revolutionary? Sometimes

Blockchain technology, the foundation of cryptocurrencies, is often praised as a revolutionary innovation. And while it does have genuine applications in areas like supply chain management and digital identity, it’s not the all-encompassing solution it’s often made out to be.

Many blockchain projects exist not because they solve a problem but because they can attract funding by riding the blockchain hype wave. For tasks that don’t require decentralisation or tamper-proof records, blockchain is often a bloated, inefficient solution compared to traditional databases.

The idea that blockchain will transform every industry is more bollocks. It’s a powerful tool, but it’s not the answer to every problem.

The “Crypto Is for Freedom” Myth

Crypto advocates frequently claim that cryptocurrencies empower individuals by offering financial freedom, especially in countries with unstable currencies or oppressive governments. While this is true in some cases, it’s far from universal.

Cryptocurrencies are volatile, require technical knowledge to use securely and depend on internet access—something not everyone has. And while they can bypass certain government controls, they’re also susceptible to misuse, from tax evasion to funding illegal activities, which invites regulation and crackdowns.

The idea that crypto is a universal tool for freedom is more idealistic bollocks than practical truth. For many, it introduces as many barriers as it removes.

Conclusion: Don’t Fall for the Crypto Bollocks

Cryptocurrencies and blockchain technology do hold genuine potential, but they’re also surrounded by an enormous amount of hype, misinformation, and outright scams. From unrealistic claims about replacing fiat currency to the illusion of easy wealth, the crypto space is a breeding ground for bollocks.

The key to navigating the crypto world is scepticism. Question the promises, understand the risks, and don’t let FOMO drive your decisions. While there’s value in the technology, most of the noise around it is just that—noise.

Because at the end of the day, much of the crypto narrative is more bollocks than breakthroughs.