Tech startups: the engines of innovation, disruption, and sometimes, pure nonsense. We’ve all seen the headlines. A scrappy young company with a flashy pitch secures millions in funding, promises to revolutionise an industry, and is hailed as the next big thing. But scratch the surface of many startups, and you’ll find more buzzwords than business sense.
Let’s dig into the overhyped promises, questionable practices, and outright bollocks that plague the world of tech startups, as we enter the twelfth part of my satirical comedic polemic series of bollocks.
“We’re Disrupting [Insert Industry]”
Every tech startup loves to claim it’s “disrupting” an industry. Whether it’s food delivery, transportation, or pet grooming, the pitch is always the same: “We’re shaking up the status quo with cutting-edge technology and reimagining the way people [insert mundane activity].” In reality, most of these “disruptions” are incremental improvements or simply repackaged ideas.
Take Uber and its legion of imitators. It didn’t invent taxis or ridesharing—it just slapped an app on an old concept. Most so-called disruptions boil down to convenience features or outsourcing the heavy lifting to gig workers, not transformative innovation. The overuse of “disruption” as a badge of honour? Pure startup bollocks.
Overpromising and Under-delivering
Startups thrive on big promises. “We’ll have millions of users in a year.” “Our AI is smarter than any human expert.” “We’re solving problems no one else even sees.” But once the pitch gets put to the test, reality often comes crashing down.
Many startups overestimate the capabilities of their technology, underestimate the competition, and fail to deliver on their lofty promises. The result? Products that don’t work as advertised, missed deadlines, and a lot of disappointed investors and customers. The gap between a startup’s pitch deck and its actual product is often filled with bollocks.
“Fake It Till You Make It” Culture
The tech startup world thrives on the mantra of “fake it till you make it.” While there’s a kernel of truth to the idea that early-stage companies need to project confidence, it often goes too far. Think of the infamous case of Theranos, which promised revolutionary blood-testing technology that didn’t actually exist. While that’s an extreme example, many startups play fast and loose with the truth.
Exaggerated claims about user numbers, revenue, or product capabilities are common in the startup world. But this culture of over-promising can backfire, leading to scandals, lawsuits, or outright failure. The “fake it till you make it” approach may work in the short term, but in the long run, it’s a recipe for bollocks.
Buzzwords Over Substance
If you’ve ever sat through a startup pitch, you’ve probably been hit with a barrage of buzzwords: “AI-driven,” “blockchain-powered,” “synergistic,” “hyper-scalable,” and the all-time favourite, “revolutionary.” Startups love to cram their pitches with jargon that sounds impressive but often means very little.
In reality, many of these buzzwords are just window dressing. Does your to-do list app really need AI? Is your online marketplace truly leveraging blockchain, or are you just using the term to attract investors? The reliance on buzzwords to mask a lack of real innovation is one of the biggest signs of startup bollocks.
Chasing Valuations Over Viability
In the startup world, bigger is always better—at least when it comes to valuations. Unicorns (startups valued at over $1 billion) are celebrated, but how many of them actually justify their valuations with revenue or profitability? Many companies chase astronomical valuations by burning through cash and promising future growth that may never materialise.
WeWork is a classic example. Once valued at $47 billion, it imploded when investors realised its business model was unsustainable. But even smaller startups fall into the trap of chasing funding rounds instead of focusing on building a viable product or business. Valuations without substance? More startup bollocks.
“We’re the [Insert Tech Giant] of [Insert Niche]”
Startups love to position themselves as “the Uber of X” or “the Netflix of Y.” It’s an easy way to sound impressive by piggybacking on the success of established tech giants. But these comparisons are rarely accurate or helpful.
For one, not every industry benefits from the same approach. Trying to replicate Uber’s gig-economy model in a completely different field often leads to logistical nightmares and unhappy workers. And second, these analogies often oversimplify the unique challenges of each market. If a startup relies on this kind of lazy comparison, it’s a red flag that their pitch is more bollocks than brilliance.
The Myth of the Visionary Founder
Every startup story needs a hero, and the tech world loves to mythologise its founders. Visionary geniuses like Steve Jobs and Elon Musk have become the gold standard, leading many startups to position their founders as the next great innovator. But not every founder is a genius, and most are just regular people trying to build a business.
The problem is that this “visionary founder” myth creates a culture of ego and hubris. Founders are encouraged to overestimate their abilities, ignore criticism, and bulldoze their way to success. This can lead to toxic workplaces, poor decision-making, and, in some cases, outright fraud. The cult of the visionary founder? Yet more startup bollocks.
“We’re Changing the World”
No startup pitch is complete without a claim that it’s “changing the world.” But how many meal delivery apps or photo-sharing platforms are truly changing anything? While some startups genuinely do tackle big societal challenges, most are focused on turning a profit—and that’s fine. What’s not fine is pretending that your dog-walking app is a global game-changer.
The constant need to frame every startup as a world-altering force is one of the most transparent bits of startup bollocks. Not every business needs to change the world; sometimes, it’s enough to just offer a useful product or service.
Conclusion: Beware of the Startup Bollocks
The tech startup world is full of big ideas, ambitious goals, and genuine innovation. But it’s also a hotbed of overhype, buzzwords, and unsustainable promises. From inflated valuations and unrealistic disruption claims to the myth of the visionary founder, the startup ecosystem often runs on more bollocks than brilliance.
If you’re navigating the world of tech startups—as an investor, a founder, or a curious observer—keep a critical eye. Look beyond the buzzwords, demand substance, and don’t fall for the hype. Because while startups can change the world, most of them are just trying to sell you a dream—and a lot of it is just bollocks.