Every new generation of mobile technology is accompanied by a blizzard of promises: higher speeds, lower latency, smarter connectivity, and, of course, a world transformed. We’ve been through this cycle with 3G, then 4G, then 5G, and now, 6G is already getting hyped—even though it doesn’t technically exist yet.

Let’s sift through the biggest misconceptions, marketing spin, and outright bollocks surrounding these mobile network generations, from the claims about what 5G can do to the promises of a future 6G utopia.

Part four of my satirical comedic polemic series, as I celebrate the first and greatest satirist, Juvenal.

5G: The “Game-Changer” That’s Mostly More of the Same

When 5G was first announced, we were told it would change everything—bringing about self-driving cars, smart cities, remote surgery, and the end of buffering. The reality, though, is that for most people, 5G hasn’t delivered much more than 4G did. The real-world speed gains are often modest, especially in non-urban areas, and most users barely notice a difference between 4G and 5G in their daily mobile experience.

The hype around 5G as a revolutionary technology was largely fuelled by network providers and device manufacturers looking for a reason to justify new infrastructure and device upgrades. The promise of “ultra-low latency” (a delay so short it’s almost unnoticeable) sounded great, but for most mobile users, it’s irrelevant. The idea that 5G would be a complete game-changer is pure bollocks—it’s faster, yes, but it’s not exactly a revolution.

The Health Scare Hype: 5G Radiation Myths

One of the stranger bits of 5G bollocks is the conspiracy theory that it’s somehow harmful to human health. Fear-mongering around “radiation” from 5G towers took off, with theories that 5G causes everything from cancer to COVID-19. These claims have been debunked time and again by scientists, yet they persist, fuelled by online misinformation and general distrust of technology.

The truth is, 5G operates within safe, regulated frequencies, similar to previous generations of wireless technology. Mobile networks emit non-ionising radiation, which means they don’t have enough energy to damage DNA or cause cellular changes in the way that ionising radiation (like X-rays) can. The 5G health scare is classic tech paranoia—a load of bollocks with no scientific foundation.

“Unlimited” Data That’s Never Really Unlimited

As each new generation rolls out, telecom companies promise unlimited data plans that allow you to stream, browse, and download to your heart’s content. But there’s a catch: “unlimited” rarely means what it implies. Most plans still have data caps or speed throttling after you hit a certain limit, making these plans less “unlimited” than advertised.

This has been true for every generation since 3G, but the speeds of 5G make it more obvious. People hit data caps faster, and network providers still find ways to restrict heavy users to maintain network balance. The term “unlimited data” is, more often than not, just more telecom bollocks designed to lure in customers.

6G: The Hype Before It Even Exists

Even though we’re still in the early stages of 5G adoption, talk of 6G is already in full swing. Researchers, companies, and governments are already hyping it as the next big thing—projecting impossible-sounding features like holographic communication, terabit-per-second speeds, and true-to-life augmented reality.

The truth is, 6G doesn’t exist, and we’re years away from understanding what it will actually be capable of. Every generation of mobile technology builds on the previous one, so 6G will likely offer incremental improvements rather than a sci-fi-like leap forward. Most of what’s being said about 6G right now is speculative, if not outright fantasy. So, when you hear about how 6G will enable “the metaverse” or “smart everything,” remember: it’s all bollocks until there’s an actual network to back it up.

Faster Speeds vs. Actual Need

Every new mobile generation boasts faster speeds, but how much of this speed is actually necessary? The truth is, the vast majority of everyday mobile activities—streaming video, using social media, browsing the web—don’t require blazing-fast speeds. In fact, 4G is more than sufficient for almost all of these tasks. Faster speeds sound impressive, but for most users, they don’t add a lot of value.

This “faster is better” narrative is largely marketing bollocks. Yes, 5G offers more speed, and 6G will eventually offer even more. But outside of a few niche applications, most of us simply don’t need all that bandwidth, and yet we’re constantly being sold on the idea that more speed will transform our lives.

The “Smart City” Fantasy

One of the promises attached to each new mobile generation is that it will enable “smart cities” full of connected devices—everything from traffic lights to garbage bins talking to each other to make urban living more efficient. But the truth is, many of these smart city visions are not only logistically challenging but also incredibly expensive to implement and maintain.

Despite all the hype, the majority of cities are still struggling with basic infrastructure needs, let alone the high costs of outfitting every lamppost with sensors or overhauling entire systems to be 5G-ready. Smart cities may be a nice concept, but mobile networks alone can’t bring them to life. The idea that 5G or 6G will magically turn every city into a smart city is more bollocks than anything else.

Claims of Total Reliability and Zero Downtime

Every new network generation promises better reliability and less downtime, and yet anyone who’s ever dropped a call or struggled with buffering knows that mobile networks are far from perfect. Even with 5G, there are plenty of dead zones, coverage gaps, and service disruptions, particularly in rural or remote areas.

Networks are also highly dependent on infrastructure—like cell towers and fiber-optic cables—which can be damaged or disrupted by everything from severe weather to human error. So, the idea that 5G or 6G will be flawless, with total coverage and zero downtime, is just more bollocks. Perfect connectivity is a pipe dream, and it’s unlikely to be solved by any single generation of mobile technology.

The Hype vs. Reality of IoT

With 5G, we were promised an explosion of Internet of Things (IoT) devices—everything from connected fridges to autonomous drones to wearables tracking our every step. While IoT devices are becoming more common, the hype around IoT was vastly overblown. Most consumers haven’t felt a massive impact, and many of these devices don’t offer enough value to justify their cost.

The IoT revolution was billed as something that 5G would enable in every home, but what we got was a handful of niche devices that haven’t changed daily life in any substantial way. The idea that each new mobile generation will bring about a connected-device utopia is just another case of bollocks.

Conclusion: A Reality Check on Mobile Generations

From 3G to 4G to 5G—and now the distant promises of 6G—the hype around each new mobile generation has consistently overshot reality. Yes, each generation brings improvements, but the notion that they’re “game-changers” or transformative technologies is largely driven by marketing. In most cases, these upgrades represent incremental gains that benefit a handful of high-tech applications while offering modest improvements to everyday users.

At the end of the day, faster speeds and lower latency are nice, but they’re not the life-altering developments we’re sold on. Next time you hear someone singing the praises of 5G or the dream of 6G, remember: much of it is just mobile network bollocks.