Space: the final frontier—or the final source of hyperbolic tech nonsense. From billionaires launching themselves into orbit to grand visions of Mars colonisation, space has become the playground of the ultra-wealthy and a hotbed of overhyped promises. While the idea of humanity reaching for the stars is undeniably inspiring, much of what we hear about space tourism, colonisation, and asteroid mining is pure fantasy—or, to put it bluntly, bollocks.
Let’s cut through the cosmic noise and examine some of the most egregious myths and misconceptions surrounding the space race 2.0 as we enter the fifteenth article in my satirical comedic polemic series.
Space Tourism: The Ultimate Status Symbol
Billionaires like Jeff Bezos, Richard Branson, and Elon Musk are racing to make space tourism a reality, promising ordinary people the chance to experience the thrill of zero gravity. But here’s the catch: “ordinary people” aren’t invited to this party. With tickets costing hundreds of thousands, if not millions, space tourism is little more than a vanity project for the ultra-rich.
Even for those who can afford it, space tourism doesn’t mean exploring distant planets—it’s a glorified joyride, a quick trip to the edge of space before returning to Earth. The idea that space tourism is ushering in a new era of accessibility to space? Absolute bollocks. For now, it’s just an expensive photo op.
Colonising Mars: A Sci-Fi Fantasy
Elon Musk has made it his mission to colonise Mars, promising to build a self-sustaining human settlement on the Red Planet. It’s a vision straight out of science fiction, complete with shiny renderings of Martian cities and optimistic timelines. But the reality of colonising Mars is far more daunting than Musk and others let on.
Mars is a hostile environment with extreme temperatures, no breathable atmosphere, and high levels of radiation. Building a sustainable colony would require solving countless engineering, medical, and logistical challenges, many of which we haven’t even begun to address. And even if we could establish a presence there, the idea that millions of people will move to Mars to escape Earth’s problems is fanciful at best.
The promise of Martian colonies within our lifetimes? Pure space bollocks. It’s a long-term goal, not a near-term reality.
Asteroid Mining: The Galactic Gold Rush?
Asteroid mining is often pitched as the solution to resource scarcity on Earth, with companies claiming they’ll extract precious metals from space rocks and revolutionise industries. The idea is that asteroids are rich in materials like platinum and gold, and that harvesting them will bring unimaginable wealth.
While it’s true that asteroids contain valuable materials, the logistics of mining them are astronomically difficult. The cost of building, launching, and operating mining equipment in space far outweighs the value of the materials we could realistically extract. And let’s not forget the challenges of transporting those materials back to Earth.
The notion of asteroid mining as an imminent economic boon is bollocks. It’s a fascinating concept, but one that’s decades away from being practical—if it ever becomes practical at all.
Space Will Save Humanity
A recurring theme in the space hype machine is that space exploration will save humanity, providing an escape from the environmental and social problems we face on Earth. But this argument ignores a critical point: fixing Earth is far easier, cheaper, and more urgent than building a new civilisation on another planet.
While exploring space can teach us valuable lessons about sustainability and inspire innovation, the idea that we can simply “move to space” if Earth becomes uninhabitable is dangerously naive. The costs and challenges of sustaining human life in space make it an impractical backup plan.
Space as humanity’s salvation? Bollocks. We need to focus on making Earth livable before dreaming of interplanetary lifeboats.
Space Innovation Will Trickle Down to Everyone
Space exploration is often justified by the argument that it drives innovation, producing technologies that benefit humanity as a whole. While it’s true that space research has led to useful advancements—like satellite communication and better materials—the trickle-down effect is often overstated.
Many of the technologies developed for space exploration are highly specialised and don’t have practical applications on Earth. And even when they do, the benefits often accrue to the companies and governments funding the research, not the general public. The narrative that space exploration inherently leads to widespread innovation is more marketing than reality.
The Billionaire Space Race: A Public Service or a Vanity Project?
Billionaires framing their space exploits as a service to humanity is one of the most transparent pieces of space bollocks out there. Jeff Bezos claims Blue Origin is about saving Earth by moving heavy industry into space. Elon Musk says SpaceX’s mission is to ensure humanity’s survival. But let’s be honest: these ventures are primarily about ego and profit.
The billionaire space race does little to address pressing global issues like poverty, inequality, or climate change. Instead, it diverts resources and attention to projects that benefit a small, elite group. The idea that billionaires are taking us to space for the greater good? Utter bollocks.
Conclusion: Keep Your Feet on the Ground
Space exploration is a noble and exciting endeavour, but it’s also a realm where hype and fantasy often overshadow reality. From the exaggerated promises of space tourism to the sci-fi dreams of Martian colonies and asteroid mining, much of what we hear about the new space race is more bollocks than substance.
While the pursuit of space is inspiring, we must approach it with a clear-eyed view of the challenges, costs, and realistic timelines. For now, humanity’s greatest challenges—and opportunities—are still here on Earth. The stars can wait.