Autonomous vehicles (AVs) have been sold as the ultimate transportation revolution, promising safer roads, efficient travel, and even the end of human driving. From Tesla’s Autopilot to Waymo’s robo-taxis, we’ve been told for years that full self-driving cars are just around the corner. But despite billions of dollars in investment and countless headlines, the dream of autonomous vehicles remains more hype than reality.
In the fourteenth part of my satirical comedic polemic series let’s steer through the most common myths and bollocks surrounding self-driving cars.
Full Autonomy Is “Just a Few Years Away”
One of the most persistent bits of AV bollocks is the idea that full autonomy—where cars can drive themselves anywhere without human intervention—is just a few years away. Tech companies and car manufacturers have been making this claim for over a decade, yet we’re still nowhere near true Level 5 autonomy (the highest level of self-driving capability).
Why? Because driving is incredibly complex. Navigating unpredictable traffic, bad weather, roadwork, and human behaviour is far harder than engineers originally anticipated. Current AVs still struggle with edge cases—rare, unpredictable scenarios that human drivers handle instinctively, like a cyclist weaving through traffic or a pedestrian darting into the street.
The idea that fully autonomous vehicles are “just around the corner” is pure bollocks. It’s a monumental engineering challenge that will take decades, not years, to solve.
Autonomous Vehicles Are Safer Than Humans? Not Yet
Proponents of AVs often claim they’ll drastically reduce accidents, given that most crashes are caused by human error. While this is true in theory, the reality is far more complicated. Autonomous vehicles are still learning to handle the chaotic, unpredictable nature of real-world driving, and they’ve already been involved in several high-profile accidents.
Tesla’s Autopilot, for example, has been criticised for giving drivers a false sense of security, leading to over-reliance and crashes. Waymo’s robo-taxis occasionally freeze in unexpected situations, causing traffic jams. Safety improvements will come, but the idea that AVs are already safer than human drivers is premature bollocks.
Self-Driving Cars Will End Traffic Jams
Another common AV myth is that self-driving cars will eliminate traffic congestion by communicating with each other and optimising traffic flow. In reality, autonomous vehicles are more likely to worsen traffic, at least in the short term. Robo-taxis could lead to an increase in car usage, with empty vehicles cruising around waiting for passengers, contributing to congestion rather than reducing it.
Moreover, AVs are programmed to be overly cautious, often stopping or slowing down in situations where human drivers wouldn’t, potentially disrupting traffic flow. The dream of free-flowing, congestion-free roads is yet another piece of AV bollocks.
The Overhyped Role of AI
The brains behind autonomous vehicles are powered by artificial intelligence (AI), specifically machine learning algorithms trained to recognise and respond to road conditions. While AI has made impressive strides, it’s still far from infallible. Autonomous systems rely on vast amounts of data to learn, but even the most sophisticated AI struggles with edge cases—rare scenarios it hasn’t encountered before.
AI also has trouble interpreting ambiguous situations, such as a construction worker waving traffic through or a hand signal from a cyclist. These subtleties of human communication are easy for people but baffling for machines. The idea that AI is ready to handle the complexities of real-world driving? More tech bollocks.
The Cost Myth: AVs Will Make Transport Cheap and Accessible
Self-driving cars are often marketed as an affordable and accessible alternative to private vehicle ownership. But the reality is that autonomous vehicles are prohibitively expensive to develop, maintain, and operate. The sensors, cameras, and LIDAR systems needed for AVs cost tens of thousands of dollars per vehicle, making them far more expensive than traditional cars.
Even robo-taxi services, like those offered by Waymo, face high operating costs that are passed on to consumers. The promise of cheap, widely available autonomous transport? More bollocks. For the foreseeable future, AVs will remain a luxury rather than a mass-market solution.
The “Driverless Utopia” Fallacy
The vision of a driverless utopia—where nobody owns cars, and fleets of autonomous vehicles efficiently ferry people around—is a cornerstone of AV marketing. But this dream ignores cultural realities. Many people enjoy driving and value the independence that comes with owning a car. Convincing everyone to give that up for a shared fleet of robo-taxis is unlikely.
Moreover, replacing private cars with fleets of AVs could lead to a significant environmental impact, with more vehicles on the road and increased energy consumption. The idea that AVs will create a perfect, sustainable transportation system is yet more bollocks.
Autonomous Trucks Will Replace Drivers Overnight
The trucking industry is often cited as the first place AVs will make a major impact, with promises of driverless trucks replacing human drivers en masse. While autonomous trucks are making progress in controlled environments (like long highway stretches), they’re far from being capable of handling the complexities of last-mile delivery, urban navigation, and unforeseen road conditions.
Human drivers are still needed for loading, unloading, and handling unexpected scenarios. The claim that AVs will replace truck drivers overnight is not only unrealistic but another piece of overhyped bollocks.
AVs Are Environmentally Friendly? Not Necessarily
Autonomous vehicles are often marketed as eco-friendly solutions that will reduce emissions and help combat climate change. But this assumes that AVs will be electric, which is not guaranteed. Many autonomous prototypes still rely on internal combustion engines, and even electric AVs face challenges around battery production and charging infrastructure.
Moreover, the increased energy consumption required to power AV sensors, LIDAR, and onboard computers means that even electric AVs could have a larger carbon footprint than traditional cars. The narrative that AVs are inherently good for the environment is another bit of greenwashed bollocks.
Conclusion: Autonomous Vehicles Are Still in the Slow Lane
Autonomous vehicles are a fascinating and potentially transformative technology, but they’re also one of the most overhyped developments in tech. From promises of full autonomy just a few years away to claims of eliminating traffic and revolutionising safety, much of the AV narrative is driven by marketing, not reality.
The truth is, autonomous vehicles are still a work in progress. They’ll likely play a role in the future of transportation, but the journey will be long, and the impact will be more incremental than revolutionary. For now, much of what you hear about AVs is, quite simply, bollocks.