Data privacy is a hot topic in the modern age, with tech companies, governments, and advocacy groups all claiming to take it seriously. From GDPR compliance banners to promises of “end-to-end encryption,” the message is clear: your data is safe and secure. Or is it? Beneath the glossy surface of privacy pledges lies a mess of contradictions, loopholes, and outright bollocks.
Let’s dissect some of the biggest myths and overblown promises around data privacy and security as we crack on with part sixteen of my satirical comedic polemic series.
“We Respect Your Privacy”
How often do we see this line plastered across websites, apps, and privacy policies? Companies love to claim they respect your privacy, but actions speak louder than words. Many of these same companies collect vast amounts of personal data, often far more than is necessary for their services, and sell or share it with advertisers and third parties.
Even those that claim not to “sell” your data often monetise it in other ways, such as targeted advertising or algorithmic profiling. The fine print in privacy policies often reveals a different story than the headline promises. “We respect your privacy” is one of the most pervasive pieces of privacy bollocks around.
Opt-In Consent: The Illusion of Choice
Under regulations like GDPR, companies are required to get your consent before collecting or using your data. Sounds good in theory, but the reality of opt-in consent often amounts to little more than coercion. Many websites bombard users with confusing cookie banners or make it nearly impossible to access services without agreeing to extensive data collection.
This “consent” is often far from informed or voluntary. Most users click “accept” out of frustration or confusion, not because they fully understand the implications. The idea that opt-in consent genuinely empowers users is bollocks—it’s more about legal compliance than true choice.
“Your Data is Anonymous”
Another common claim is that your data is anonymised and therefore safe from identification. But research has repeatedly shown that anonymised data can often be re-identified by cross-referencing it with other datasets. The more data collected, the easier it becomes to piece together a detailed picture of an individual, even if their name isn’t attached.
The idea that anonymisation is a foolproof method of protecting privacy is outdated and misleading. It’s a comforting narrative, but ultimately, it’s bollocks.
“End-to-End Encryption” is Bulletproof
End-to-end encryption (E2EE) is often held up as the gold standard of privacy, ensuring that only the sender and recipient can access the content of their messages. While E2EE is a strong privacy measure, it’s not a silver bullet. Metadata—such as who you’re messaging, when, and for how long—is still accessible to service providers and potentially to law enforcement or hackers.
Additionally, many apps claiming to offer E2EE aren’t entirely transparent about how it’s implemented, and some have been found to include backdoors or security flaws. The idea that E2EE alone guarantees perfect privacy is bollocks—it’s an important tool, but it’s not the whole solution.
“You’re in Control of Your Data”
Platforms like Facebook, Google, and Amazon love to tell users they’re in control of their data. They offer settings and dashboards to customise your privacy preferences, implying that you can decide exactly how your data is used. But navigating these settings often requires a degree in digital forensics. Default settings are usually heavily tilted toward data sharing, and opting out can be buried in labyrinthine menus.
Even when users do take control, the underlying data collection practices often remain opaque. The promise of user control is more marketing than reality—a feel-good piece of privacy bollocks.
Privacy Laws Have Solved the Problem
The introduction of regulations like GDPR and the CCPA (California Consumer Privacy Act) was hailed as a turning point for data privacy. And while these laws have improved transparency and accountability, they’re far from a panacea. Companies often comply with the letter of the law while skirting its spirit, finding loopholes or relying on dark patterns to extract consent.
Moreover, enforcement is patchy. Fines for violations are often a drop in the bucket for large corporations, and many smaller players go unnoticed altogether. The idea that privacy laws have fundamentally fixed the problem is, at best, wishful thinking, and at worst, outright bollocks.
“Big Tech is Committed to Privacy”
Tech giants like Apple, Google, and Facebook have launched major PR campaigns around privacy, touting features like app tracking transparency and encrypted backups. While some of these measures are genuine improvements, they often serve as distractions from broader issues. Apple might limit iPhone ad tracking, but its ecosystem still collects plenty of data. Google might let you delete your location history, but it also tracks you across the web via its ad networks.
These initiatives often amount to privacy theatre—designed to make companies look good without fundamentally changing how they profit from user data. The claim that Big Tech is truly committed to privacy is more bollocks than reality.
Data Breach Transparency? Not So Much
When companies experience data breaches, they’re supposed to notify users and take steps to mitigate the damage. But in practice, many breaches are downplayed, delayed, or outright covered up. Companies are often more concerned with protecting their reputation than protecting affected users.
The information provided is often vague or unhelpful even when breaches are disclosed. “Your data may have been affected” doesn’t tell you whether your financial information, passwords, or personal details are at risk. The narrative of proactive, transparent breach handling is yet another piece of privacy bollocks.
The Myth of “Free” Services
“If you’re not paying for the product, you are the product.” This oft-quoted phrase sums up the hidden costs of free services like Gmail, Facebook, and TikTok. These platforms collect vast amounts of personal data to monetise through advertising and other means. While they claim to offer free tools for communication, entertainment, and productivity, the real price is your privacy.
The myth that free services come without strings attached is one of the oldest and most enduring pieces of privacy bollocks. You’re always paying—just not with money.
Conclusion: Privacy is Possible, But It’s Hard Work
Data privacy is a minefield of half-truths, corporate spin, and legal loopholes. From the illusion of control to the myth of perfect encryption, much of what’s sold as privacy is designed to placate users rather than genuinely protect them.
True privacy requires vigilance, scepticism, and often a willingness to opt out of services that don’t respect your data. While regulations and technologies can help, they’re not enough on their own. The first step is recognising the bollocks for what it is—and demanding better from companies, governments, and ourselves.