Wearable technology is everywhere—from smartwatches and fitness trackers to “revolutionary” health-monitoring rings and smart glasses. Promoted as tools to enhance your health, productivity, and connectivity, these devices promise to be indispensable. But while wearables do have some legitimate uses, the market is oversaturated with overhyped claims, gimmicks, and, frankly, bollocks.

In article eighteen of my satirical comedic polemic series let’s break down the myths and marketing fluff that dominate the wearable tech landscape.

“Track Everything, Improve Everything”

Fitness trackers and smartwatches are often sold with the promise that monitoring your every step, heartbeat, and calorie will help you achieve your health goals. The idea is that more data equals better decisions and, by extension, a healthier you.

The reality? Most people don’t know what to do with the data these devices collect. Tracking metrics like heart rate variability or oxygen saturation might sound impressive, but for the average user, it’s information without actionable insights. And while step counts and calorie tracking are helpful to some extent, they can’t replace a balanced diet, exercise, and common sense.

The idea that wearable tech will magically transform your health is bollocks—it’s just a tool, not a solution.

Wearables Will Prevent Health Problems? Not So Fast

Many wearables now tout health-monitoring features like ECG readings, blood oxygen sensors, and even the ability to detect irregular heart rhythms. These features are marketed as lifesaving innovations, but their accuracy is often questionable. Devices like the Apple Watch have been praised for flagging potential health issues, but false positives and missed detections are common.

Moreover, relying on wearables for medical diagnostics can give users a false sense of security or lead to unnecessary anxiety. They’re not replacements for professional medical devices or regular checkups with a doctor.

The notion that wearables are reliable, standalone health monitors? More marketing bollocks than medical truth.

“Be More Productive with Smart Glasses”

Smart glasses are pitched as the next frontier of wearable tech, promising seamless integration of digital information into your real-world vision. Think hands-free navigation, real-time translations, and instant notifications. But in reality, most smart glasses are either prohibitively expensive, uncomfortable, or severely limited in functionality.

Google Glass flopped, Snapchat Spectacles are little more than a gimmick, and even newer models struggle to deliver on their futuristic promises. For most users, smart glasses are more about looking cool (or trying to) than actually improving productivity.

The promise of smart glasses as a game-changing productivity tool? Absolute bollocks.

“All-Day Battery Life” (Except When It’s Not)

Battery life is one of the most overhyped features of wearable tech. Devices often boast “all-day” or even “multi-day” battery life, but the reality rarely lives up to the claims. Activate features like GPS, heart rate monitoring, or notifications, and you’ll quickly find yourself hunting for a charger.

This constant need for recharging defeats the purpose of a wearable device meant to stay on your body at all times. The promise of effortless, long-lasting battery life is just another piece of wearable tech bollocks.

Privacy Concerns? What Privacy Concerns?

Wearable devices collect an enormous amount of personal data, from your location and activity levels to your sleep patterns and biometric information. Companies promise to keep this data safe, but data breaches, vague privacy policies, and the use of personal information for targeted advertising tell a different story.

Even if your data isn’t actively exploited, the sheer amount of information wearables collect raises serious questions about who owns it and how it’s used. The idea that your wearable data is private and secure? More bollocks in a world where data is currency.

Wearables Are Fashionable? Debatable

Tech companies have spent years trying to convince us that wearables are stylish, partnering with fashion brands and introducing customisable bands, sleek designs, and luxury options. But let’s be real: most wearables look like tiny computers strapped to your body.

For every Apple Watch or Fitbit that achieves mainstream appeal, there’s a hideous piece of tech masquerading as “fashionable.” Wearables still scream “gadget” more often than they blend seamlessly with everyday style.

The idea that wearables are high fashion? More tech-driven bollocks than Vogue-worthy reality.

“You Need the Latest Upgrade”

Like smartphones, wearable tech is caught in an endless upgrade cycle. A slightly brighter screen here, a marginally better sensor there—and suddenly, your year-old device feels obsolete. Companies push new models annually, with incremental improvements hyped as revolutionary breakthroughs.

In truth, most wearables don’t change significantly from one generation to the next. The push to constantly upgrade is more about selling hardware than providing meaningful improvements. The claim that you “need” the latest wearable is classic marketing bollocks.

The Myth of Accurate Sleep Tracking

Sleep trackers are a popular feature of many wearables, promising to help you optimise your rest by tracking sleep stages, interruptions, and even snoring. But while these devices can provide a rough estimate of your sleep patterns, they’re far from accurate.

Most wearables rely on movement and heart rate to guess sleep stages, which is far less reliable than clinical sleep studies. They can’t account for things like REM sleep or the quality of your rest, and obsessing over imperfect data can actually make your sleep worse.

The idea that wearables can fully optimise your sleep? Dream on—it’s bollocks.

The Promise of Independence

Wearable tech often claims to make you more independent—giving you the freedom to leave your phone behind or ditch traditional medical devices. In reality, most wearables are deeply reliant on other tech. Smartwatches often require a paired smartphone to unlock their full potential, and fitness trackers are useless without their companion apps.

Rather than granting independence, wearables tend to tether you to an ecosystem of devices, subscriptions, and apps. The narrative that wearables liberate you is yet another piece of tech industry bollocks.

Conclusion: A Useful Tool, Not a Revolution

Wearable technology can be genuinely useful, providing insights into health, fitness, and productivity. But the overhyped promises, unnecessary features, and relentless marketing often obscure the reality: wearables are tools, not magic solutions.

If you’re considering a wearable device, think critically about what you actually need and avoid the hype. Because much of what you hear about wearables—from transforming your health to being the ultimate fashion statement—is, quite simply, bollocks.