Cloud computing has become the backbone of modern technology, powering everything from streaming services and apps to enterprise infrastructure. It promises flexibility, cost savings, and scalability that were unimaginable a decade ago. But like any hyped technology, cloud computing is surrounded by its fair share of misconceptions, overpromises, and, yes, bollocks.

Welcome to the twentieth article in my satirical comedic polemic series where we’ll unpack the myths and marketing fluff that often accompany the cloud and see where reality differs from the rhetoric.

“The Cloud Is Cheap (or Even Free!)”

One of the most persistent myths about cloud computing is that it’s cheaper than traditional on-premises infrastructure. While the cloud can offer cost savings for startups and businesses with fluctuating needs, those savings can evaporate as workloads grow. Pay-as-you-go pricing can quickly spiral out of control, especially when unexpected spikes in usage lead to hefty bills.

Hidden costs—like data egress fees, complex pricing tiers, and additional charges for storage or advanced features—can make the cloud far more expensive than initially anticipated. The idea that the cloud is a cost-effective solution for everyone is, at best, an oversimplification and, at worst, pure bollocks.

“The Cloud Is 100% Reliable”

Cloud providers often tout near-perfect uptime percentages, creating the impression that moving to the cloud guarantees uninterrupted service. But while top-tier providers have impressive reliability records, no system is immune to outages. Amazon Web Services (AWS), Microsoft Azure, and Google Cloud have all experienced high-profile disruptions that left customers scrambling.

The reality is that relying entirely on the cloud introduces a new kind of vulnerability—your business is now dependent on someone else’s infrastructure. The notion that the cloud is infallible? More marketing bollocks than reality.

“The Cloud Is Secure by Default”

Another common myth is that the cloud is inherently secure. Cloud providers invest heavily in security, but ultimate responsibility for protecting data and workloads lies with the user. Misconfigured servers, poor access controls, and lax security policies have led to countless data breaches and leaks.

The shared responsibility model—where the provider secures the infrastructure and the customer secures their applications and data—is often poorly understood, leading to gaps in protection. The claim that the cloud automatically secures your business is bollocks unless you know what you’re doing.

“Migrating to the Cloud Is Easy”

Cloud providers make migration sound simple, but anyone who’s actually gone through the process knows it’s anything but. Moving applications, data, and workloads to the cloud often requires significant re-engineering, downtime, and expertise. Legacy systems and applications that weren’t built for the cloud can be particularly challenging to migrate.

On top of that, once you’re in the cloud, moving out—or even switching providers—is a nightmare. Vendor lock-in is real, and extracting yourself from one provider’s ecosystem can be as difficult as the initial migration. The narrative that cloud migration is a quick and painless process? Absolute bollocks.

“The Cloud Is Green and Sustainable”

Many cloud providers boast about their environmental credentials, claiming their data centres are energy-efficient and powered by renewable energy. While it’s true that large cloud providers have made strides in sustainability, the overall environmental impact of the cloud is far from negligible.

Data centres consume massive amounts of electricity and water, and the push for ever-faster services drives constant hardware upgrades and e-waste. Smaller cloud providers and on-premise setups may actually be more sustainable in specific cases. The claim that the cloud is inherently green is, at best, selective truth—and at worst, greenwashed bollocks.

“Everything Should Be in the Cloud”

The idea that every workload belongs in the cloud is a favourite of cloud evangelists. But not every application or system is a good fit. High-performance computing, sensitive workloads with strict regulatory requirements, or applications with predictable usage patterns may be better suited for on-premises or hybrid setups.

Forcing everything into the cloud can lead to inefficiencies, higher costs, and unnecessary complexity. The mantra that the cloud is the universal solution for all IT problems is yet another piece of tech industry bollocks.

“You’ll Never Need to Upgrade Hardware Again”

One of the most appealing promises of the cloud is that you’ll never need to worry about hardware upgrades—providers handle everything for you. While this is technically true, it comes with a catch: the cost of those hardware upgrades is baked into your ongoing fees. Over time, you may end up paying far more for the convenience of outsourcing infrastructure than you would for periodic hardware upgrades in-house.

The narrative that the cloud frees you from hardware concerns without consequence is bollocks—it’s just shifting the responsibility, not eliminating it.

“The Cloud Simplifies Everything”

Cloud providers love to sell the idea that the cloud makes IT simpler. But managing cloud resources comes with its own set of complexities, from configuring virtual networks to monitoring costs and ensuring compliance. Multi-cloud and hybrid environments can become particularly convoluted, requiring teams to manage multiple platforms with different tools and interfaces.

The promise of simplicity often turns into a reality of complexity—one that requires specialised skills and dedicated management. The idea that the cloud automatically simplifies your operations? More marketing bollocks.

“The Cloud Eliminates On-Premises IT”

The notion that cloud computing will completely replace on-premises IT infrastructure is another common myth. In reality, many businesses find that a hybrid approach—combining cloud and on-premises systems—is the best solution. Hybrid setups allow businesses to keep sensitive or critical workloads on-premises while leveraging the cloud for scalability and innovation.

The idea of a completely cloud-only future is unlikely for most organisations, making the claim that the cloud will eliminate on-prem IT just another piece of overhyped bollocks.

Conclusion: The Cloud Is Powerful, But It’s Not Perfect

Cloud computing is a transformative technology that has revolutionised how businesses operate. But the hype often obscures its limitations and trade-offs. From cost overruns and security challenges to migration headaches and environmental concerns, the cloud is far from the flawless solution it’s often portrayed to be.

The key to navigating the cloud hype is understanding your specific needs and evaluating whether the benefits outweigh the drawbacks for your use case. Because while the cloud is undeniably powerful, much of what you hear about it—like many tech trends—is just bollocks.