Ah, the sweet sound of yet another “death of the internet” lament, accompanied by cries of corporate greed, AI-induced chaos, and a pixelated apocalypse. It’s as predictable as a bad SEO article at the top of your Google search results. Yes, the internet is doomed—again—and this time it’s worse than ever before. Or so we’re told.
There’s currently a rash of “death of the internet” articles doing the rounds, for example, “It’s the end of the internet as we know it—and I feel fine“, and while it makes some valid points, like the dumbing down of search results, social media experience, and the use of poor quality generative AI results, is it really accurate? So welcome to part nine of my semi-regular satirical comedic polemic series.
Let’s take a satirical stroll through this “death of the internet” narrative, pointing out what’s real, what’s overblown, and what’s outright bollocks.
“The Internet Is Unusable!”
First, there’s the claim that the internet has become unusable. Sure, Google search results have turned into a swamp of ads, AI slop, and affiliate links that scream, “BUY THIS NOW.” But unusable? Let’s not get melodramatic. It’s not like we’re chiselling questions onto stone tablets and waiting for a carrier pigeon with Yahoo Answers to show up.
Yes, search engines are less useful than they once were. Yes, you might need to scroll past three pages of nonsense to find a carbonara recipe that doesn’t involve someone’s life story. But unusable? That’s like saying your favourite pub is ruined because they switched out the crisps for peanuts. Annoying, yes. The end of all utility? Get a grip.
“Social Media Is a Hellscape!”
This one’s harder to argue against because, well… fair play. Facebook is now a cluttered wasteland of baby announcements, reposted TikToks, and poorly disguised pyramid schemes. Twitter (or X if you insist on being that person) is essentially a digital Thunderdome where Elon Musk fanboys fight bots for supremacy. Instagram feels like it’s run by an AI addicted to influencers with six fingers.
But hasn’t social media always been a hellscape? Remember Farmville spam? Remember rage-inducing Facebook arguments with that cousin who thinks the moon landing was faked? Social media’s decline is less the “death of the internet” and more the “death of our patience.” The platforms aren’t dying; we’re just waking up to the fact that they’re terrible.
“AI Has Ruined Everything!”
Ah yes, generative AI—the scapegoat for all internet woes. It floods our feeds with fake images, creates websites that are basically ChatGPT’s fever dreams, and churns out articles so generic they make “10 Reasons Why Coffee is Great” feel like a Pulitzer contender. But is AI really the internet’s death knell, or just its latest gimmick?
Let’s be honest: the internet was full of garbage long before AI got involved. Remember clickbait like “Doctors Hate Him!” or those bizarre ads for socks that solve plantar fasciitis? Generative AI didn’t invent digital nonsense—it just automated it. And if you think humans did a better job at creating content, I’d like to remind you of Buzzfeed’s “Which Potato Are You?” quiz.
“Corporate Greed Killed the Internet”
Here’s where the “death of the internet” crowd has a point. Big Tech’s obsession with profits has undeniably made online spaces worse. Google and Amazon are more ad-laden than useful. Meta is chasing a metaverse no one asked for while ignoring its crumbling platforms. Every tech giant has stopped innovating and started squeezing.
But hasn’t corporate greed always been a part of the internet? This is the same digital playground where PayPal thrived, pop-up ads flourished, and every streaming service decided they needed a separate subscription. The death knell isn’t greed—it’s that the platforms are now bad at disguising it.
“Generative AI = The Dead Internet Theory!”
The Dead Internet Theory posits that most online content is now AI-generated, a hollow echo of human creativity. While it’s tempting to believe that the web is becoming a graveyard of machine-written drivel, the truth is simpler: the internet is oversaturated, and we’ve gotten better at spotting the crap.
AI hasn’t made the internet “dead”; it’s made it boring. But don’t worry—human stupidity will always find ways to shine through. For every AI-generated travel guide, a human is writing a 3,000-word Reddit rant about why pineapple belongs on pizza.
“Is It the End? I Feel Fine.”
If we’re really calling this the end of the internet, it’s the most anti-climactic apocalypse ever. No world-shaking crashes, no unplugged servers, no digital Armageddon. Just slower searches, clunky social media, and more bad content than usual. The internet isn’t dead—it’s just older, messier, and a bit crap. Like a pub that still has decent beer but now charges extra for peanuts.
Instead of mourning the end, maybe we should focus on what we can fix: better regulations, smarter tech policies, and platforms that don’t treat us like data cows to be milked. Because while the internet might not be what it once was, it’s far from its deathbed.
“Are We the Problem? Probably, but so what?”
Slight return thanks to this comment from @rroobb132 on X/Twitter:
The death of the internet is people’s guilt for getting caught up in it, spending time on it, and wanting it to die for their own revenge so that the madness no longer continues: outpouring more excuses to leave than stay.
So perhaps the “Death of the Internet” cries reflect something deeper than frustration with corporate greed or AI-generated nonsense. Maybe it’s about our relationship with the web. We’ve poured countless hours into scrolling, clicking, and engaging with platforms that often feel hollow and manipulative. When we declare the internet “dead,” are we mourning its decline, or are we projecting our guilt and exhaustion?
For many, the internet has become an inescapable part of life that feels increasingly toxic yet impossible to leave. Calling it “dead” might be less about its actual state and more about our desire for liberation. It’s easier to walk away from something you believe is broken than to admit it’s you who might need to change. Ultimately, the “Death of the Internet” might be a collective cry for boundaries and balance.
Equally, in the words of Animal of the Anti-Nowhere League, “So What?”.
Conclusion: The Internet Isn’t Dead, It’s Just Hungover
The next time you read yet another “Death of the Internet” article, take it with a grain of salt (and maybe a shot of tequila). Yes, there are real issues—corporate greed, AI overreach, and the dumbing down of search and social media. But let’s not confuse frustration with extinction. The internet isn’t dying; it’s just going through its awkward middle age.
So relax, scroll past the ads, and enjoy the chaos. Because if this is the end of the internet, it’s a remarkably dull apocalypse. And frankly, we’ve survived worse.