Quantum computing is the latest tech darling to grab headlines, and with it comes a flood of bold claims about how it will revolutionise everything from cryptography to drug discovery to AI. You’d be forgiven for thinking that we’re just a few years away from a quantum-powered utopia where today’s problems vanish into a haze of quantum bits (qubits) and entanglement. But as with so many tech fads, much of what’s being said about quantum computing is exaggerated—or, to put it bluntly, bollocks.

Let’s take a deep dive into the quantum hype machine, and debunk some of the most common misconceptions that surround it, as you join me on part five of my satirical comedic polemic series.

The Quantum Computing Revolution is Imminent… Or Is It?

Perhaps the biggest piece of quantum bollocks is the idea that we’re on the verge of a quantum revolution. Tech pundits, journalists, and even companies are talking as though quantum computers are just around the corner, ready to render today’s supercomputers obsolete. They’ll solve problems too complex for classical computers, crack encryption codes in seconds, and change the face of industries overnight.

The reality? We’re still in the very early days of quantum computing. Current quantum computers are riddled with errors, can only operate in highly controlled environments, and have limited capabilities. The much-talked-about “quantum supremacy” moment, where a quantum computer performed a specific task faster than a classical one, was a milestone, but it was also highly specialised and not applicable to real-world problems. We’re decades away—at best—from having quantum computers that can outperform classical ones in meaningful, broad-use scenarios.

So, if you’re hearing people talk about quantum computers disrupting industries in the next few years, you can safely call bollocks on that.

Quantum Will Solve All of Our Problems… Spoiler: It Won’t

Another widespread bit of quantum bollocks is the idea that quantum computing will solve pretty much every major problem we face today. Quantum optimists claim that it will revolutionise fields like artificial intelligence, climate modelling, drug development, and financial forecasting. While quantum computing does have the potential to help in these areas eventually, its capabilities are wildly overstated.

For one thing, not every problem can be solved by quantum computers. Quantum computing excels at specific types of problems, especially those involving optimisation and factorisation. But there are plenty of challenges where classical computing, with its simplicity and efficiency, will remain the better tool for the job. The idea that quantum will be a panacea for everything from disease to global warming is fanciful, to say the least.

Moreover, even in the fields where quantum computers could theoretically shine—such as simulating complex molecular interactions—researchers are still years (if not decades) away from understanding how to best harness quantum computing’s potential. So, the notion that quantum computing will soon save the world? Bollocks.

Quantum Will Break All Encryption…. But Not Just Yet

One of the more common pieces of quantum scaremongering is that quantum computers will break all encryption and render online security obsolete. The fear is that quantum computers will be able to crack RSA encryption, the backbone of modern internet security, by quickly factoring large numbers that classical computers struggle with.

While this is theoretically possible, the idea that all of our encryption will be shattered tomorrow is overblown. For starters, current quantum computers aren’t nearly powerful enough to break RSA encryption. Even the most advanced quantum computers today can only handle a few dozen qubits with error rates that make them unsuitable for such tasks.

Furthermore, cryptographers are already working on post-quantum cryptography, developing algorithms that are resistant to quantum attacks. So, while quantum computing could eventually pose a threat to traditional encryption, the idea that we’re hurtling towards a security apocalypse is pure quantum bollocks.

Quantum Computing is Magic… No, It’s Really Not

Quantum computing is often presented as something almost magical—an entirely new way of thinking that defies the laws of classical physics and logic. Words like “superposition,” “entanglement,” and “quantum tunnelling” are thrown around with the assumption that quantum computing is beyond normal comprehension. This mystique feeds into the notion that quantum computing can do almost anything.

But here’s the truth: quantum computing isn’t magic. It’s based on the laws of quantum mechanics, which, while strange and counterintuitive, are well understood by physicists. Quantum computers operate in a fundamentally different way from classical ones, but that doesn’t mean they’re a limitless source of computational power. Quantum computers are still subject to the laws of physics, and they face serious practical challenges like error correction and coherence times (how long a qubit can maintain its state).

The idea that quantum computers are mystical devices capable of anything is just another bit of bollocks. They’re powerful tools, yes, but they’re still tools with limitations.

Quantum AI: Yet Another Buzzword

Quantum computing and artificial intelligence (AI) are two of the most overhyped technologies of our time, so it’s no surprise that “Quantum AI” has become a buzzword in its own right. The idea is that by combining quantum computing with AI, we’ll unlock entirely new possibilities for machine learning, natural language processing, and problem-solving.

While this sounds exciting, most of what’s being said about Quantum AI is speculative at best. The vast majority of AI tasks—such as training neural networks or analysing large datasets—don’t require quantum computing. Classical computers are already incredibly effective at handling these processes, and throwing quantum into the mix doesn’t necessarily improve anything. In fact, quantum computers are currently far too unstable to handle the complex and large-scale operations that AI relies on.

The buzz around Quantum AI is just another example of tech hype culture slapping two trendy terms together and hoping they stick. As of now, it’s mostly bollocks.

Quantum Jobs and the Talent Myth

Another common bit of quantum bollocks revolves around the so-called “quantum talent shortage.” We’re told that quantum computing will create a massive demand for skilled professionals, and that there aren’t enough quantum scientists, engineers, and developers to meet this demand.

While it’s true that quantum computing will require a specialised workforce, the idea that there’s an imminent talent gap is overstated. Quantum computing is still largely in the research phase, and it will be many years before large-scale quantum applications create widespread job opportunities. The “quantum talent shortage” is often overhyped by companies looking to sell training programs or services, or by universities keen to promote their quantum courses.

For most people, quantum computing will remain an academic or research-driven field for some time to come. The idea that the job market will soon be flooded with quantum roles? More quantum bollocks.

Conclusion: Don’t Buy Into the Quantum Hype (Yet)

Quantum computing is a fascinating and potentially transformative technology, but the hype around it is getting out of hand. From overblown claims about its imminent arrival to exaggerated fears of encryption Armageddon, there’s a lot of quantum bollocks floating around.

It’s important to approach quantum computing with a healthy dose of scepticism. Yes, it’s an exciting field that will eventually impact industries like cryptography, pharmaceuticals, and materials science. But we’re a long way from quantum computers solving all of humanity’s problems or transforming the tech landscape overnight. In the meantime, don’t let the buzzwords and overhyped promises distract you from reality.

Because if we’ve learned anything from tech fads, it’s that where there’s hype, there’s usually a fair amount of bollocks. And quantum computing is no exception.